


Ben Sisko Visits the Kelvin Timeline: AKA What A Stupid Thing I Have Written

by WongBal



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Canon Rewrite, Gen, No Sex, basically a shitpost
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-21
Updated: 2018-03-21
Packaged: 2019-03-30 18:48:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13957740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WongBal/pseuds/WongBal
Summary: Benjamin Sisko is back from the wormhole, and he does NOT like what JJ Abrams has done with the place.





	Ben Sisko Visits the Kelvin Timeline: AKA What A Stupid Thing I Have Written

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: this is just for fun! I don't hate the Kelvin timeline movies! (Well, maybe just Into Darkness.) Beyond is one of my fav Trek films of all time! This is just a stupid thing I came up with one night that made me laugh. Hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

## STARDATE 58919.2 OR WHATEVER. VOYAGER MADE IT HOME, NOBODY IS AT WAR, SHIT IS COOL 

Benjamin Sisko materializes aboard Deep Space 9. “Kasidy, I’m home! How long has it been?” 

He wanders through the empty Promenade. “Jake? I'm back from doing Prophet stuff! I went back in time and got you this sweet baseball glove, it belonged to Sandy Koufax! He was a famous baseball player. Jake! Where is everybody? Sisko to Ops,” he commands, slapping fruitlessly at his breast; but the Prophets forgot to return his combadge apparently.

So Sisko makes his way to Quark’s, where he finds everybody clustered around a viewscreen showing a live feed of the Federation News Service. “This is Jake Sisko, reporting live from the Romulan border,” says Jake Sisko, reporting live from the Romulan border. “We have just received word that some kind of supernova has destroyed Romulus.” So that explains where Jake is.

Sisko sees Kira. They hug and shit and he finds out she’s been promoted to General, and Kasidy is away on Bajor getting an award for being the Best at Shipping. (At shipping cargo, not pairing up fictional characters.)

And then his PROPHET POWERS ACTIVATE. The Emissary realizes a NEW TIMELINE has been created. “General Kira!!” he shouts. And everyone listens. “Get thecrew ready for departure. There’s time fuckery afoot!”

* * *

## STARDATE 2259.55 BECAUSE APPARENTLY THAT IS HOW WE DO STARDATES NOW IT’S LITERALLY JUST THE YEAR, IN AN ALTERNATE TIMELINE

“War is coming,” gloats Admiral Marcus from the command chair of his stupid giant ugly warship, the  _USS Vengeance_. 

“What war?” asks Sisko, suddenly materializing on the bridge with his crew.

“With the Klingons,” Jim Kirk explains, once everyone has gotten over their initial shock. “Holy shit there’s one,” he adds, noticing Worf.

“They sense we’ve been weakened by the destruction of Vulcan,” Marcus adds. 

“Vulcan? The entire planet? Who let that happen? This timeline SUCKS.”

Bashir scans Khan with his medical tricorder. “Captain, this man is only pretending to be stunned.”

Khan immediately stands up and punches him across the room.

“What the hell?” demands Sisko. “Who is this white idiot?”

“MY NAME, IS KHAAAAN.” says Khan, opening his mouth way too wide.

“Khan who? Khan Noonien Singh, the notorious Augment dictator? You don’t look anything like him.”

“That’s uh, that’s because Admiral Marcus altered his appearance,” says Kirk, pointing at Marcus, who is beginning to avoid eye contact.

“HE NEEDED MY SAVAGERY TO WIN HIS WAR,” growls Khan.

“So let me get this straight,” Sisko says to Marcus while casually shooting Khan in the face. “You thought there was going to be a fight with the Klingons, and your secret plan for winning was a 300-year-old war criminal? Computer, beam this man directly to jail!”

 _“Acknowledged,”_  says the _Vengeance_  and transports Marcus into Earth’s most secure penal facility. A week later, the admiral is found dead under mysterious circumstances and Garak had nothing to do with it.

Khan shakes off the phaser stun blast and punches O'Brien across the room, landing him on top of Bashir.

"I WILL WALK OVER YOUR COLD CORPSES TO RETRIEVE MY PEOPLE," he snarls. Sisko rolls his eyes.

“You are under arrest,” says Odo, who grabs Khan with a huge tentacle and slams him against the floor, walls and ceiling until he stops moving.

“Excellent work, Constable,” Sisko says. “Bashir, put this fool back into cryo-sleep. O’Brien, fly this hideous ship into the sun. We've got work to do!”

* * *

## STARDATE 2258.42 – SAME TIMELINE

Nero rolls up to Vulcan in his flying spike-covered eyesore with a fat load of red matter, ready to do bad shit. “Hahaha,  _yes!_  Spock is gonna be SO UPSET when I turn his home planet into a black hole. I am awesome and my motivations make  _perfect sense.”_

“NOPE,” says Sisko, appearing on the Narada’s bridge and punching Nero in the face.

Nero reaches for his staff/spear thingie but Worf breaks it in half. “YOU HAVE NO HONOUR,” Worf snarls and headbutts him in the face. Nero stumbles out of the bridge, looking for a weapon or something, but because the interior of his ship is a just a bunch of Mario platforms with no railings he stumbles over a ledge and falls like 50 feet.

“Nog, pilot this horrible-looking thing into deep space!” Sisko barks, while Kira punches the shit out of every Romulan. “God, why is every ship in this timeline so  _ugly?”_

Poor battered and broken Nero stumbles downstairs to check on Ambassador Spock's ship.

“Eeeek!” screams Quark, who  _really_  didn’t want to be here but fears Sisko more than he fears death.

“You really should keep a better eye on this stuff,” says  _ **JADZIA GODDAMNED DAX**_  as she waggles a canister of red matter in one hand. Even a state-of-the-art Vulcan starship’s security systems are no match for a Ferengi’s lockpicking skills.

“You can't do that,” Nero whines.

“I CAN DO WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT I'M BEN SISKO," yells Sisko, throwing a baseball directly at Nero’s head. “I fixed my own timeline too, what are you going to do about it?” The Romulan groans from the floor. “That’s what I thought. Thanks old man,” he adds as Dax hands him the canister.

“FIRE EVERYTHING,” Nero screams as he stumbles to his feet. But he’s alone, except for the bombs Kira placed around the remaining red matter.

As the  _Narada_  collapses into a giant black hole, Sisko (from a safe distance away) says “God  **damn**  it feels good to see that monstrosity bite the dust. Now let’s bounce, we have one more stop to make.”

* * *

## STARDATE 2263.2 – SAME TIMELINE

“I sure am glad we defeated Krall and learned an important lesson about friendship” says Kirk on Starbase Yorktown.

“You’re welcome,” Sisko announces, appearing out of thin air with a very much alive and well George Kirk.

“Holy shit, dad???” Jim is overcome with joy and embraces his father.

“YOU’RE WELCOME,” Sisko bellows as Amanda Grayson steps out from behind him.

Spock tries and fails to conceal his obvious happiness. “Mother??”

“GUHHHHHHH” gasps Ambassador Spock, coming back to life as Bashir injects him with Khan blood.

 **“YOU’RE WELCOME,”** Sisko bellows. “All right, I’m going to go back to my timeline now and have a heartwarming father-son reunion of my own, and also toss this stuff ” (he brandishes the canister of red matter) “into a supernova and save Romulus because  _some people”_  —he glares at Old Spock, who looks sheepish— “are  _too slow_.”

"WATCH OUT JAMES T," screeches Jaylah, hitting O’Brien over the head with her staff.

“I like this one," Sisko says. “We’re keeping her.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Not a diss on the AOS films as a whole, I find them enjoyable despite my hatred of certain plot points.


End file.
